In my mind

I see myself driving cross-country in a Uhaul, Quinn there with me. I'm happy as I know I'm going to a place where I can be myself. I'm going to a place where I can maybe stop hiding, maybe stop shoving everything down. I&

I have been

It's been an absolute struggle for me lately. I feel like most of my non-work time is me being in "distraction" mode, which I feel like I'm in flight-or-fight mode. For a long while, work was the best thing going on in my life,

Frustrations

I've had two customer calls this morning, both very frustrating in very different ways. First was Celanese. The project as assigned is to assist them in upgrading from just our core/flagship product to a "bundle" which includes a few addon products. They've had

Work sucks

It can take a little bit for it to ramp up, but I often forget how crazy busy things can get in February/March for me. I did 51 hours last week and I feel like I had so much undone. Been talking with Hannah to get a refi on

Strange realizations

I realized today that I tend to lean into things that are in my current comfort level, and that I need to be open to change and new things more. And how did I come to this (should have been rather obvious) realization? Music. Specifically Sara Bareilles. I realized that

Trying to open up more

I have a confession to make, and I apologize for it in advance. I was infatuated with you from the moment I met you in person. I had wanted you for SO long. I was listening to some music from my Apple playlist and "Hold My Hand" by

These Dreams ...

I had a really strange one last night, and out of it I also had what might seem to be a silly realization. In this dream I was back at Weiss, Peck, & Greer, and I was trying to get back to the IT department from somewhere on the 31st

Ugh

Well, I got back in, but 2+ weeks of posts are gone.

Steps

I see the light at the end of the tunnel for the house, at least for me. It will either be rented or sold in the next 2 months. I contacted the apt in Gilbert and said I want to renew (my lease ends in January) I'm starting

A letter to my future self

In the future, if you're ever feeling guilty about your relationship with Hannah, or even longing for her, remember a few things: * The way she knee-jerk reacts to anything emotional * The way she puts her problems on almost anyone else * How she tries to find joy in things/

(Untitled)

Ever have one of those emotional realizations that just hit you like a ton of bricks? I had one just now, and it's the realization that I've put so many other things ahead of my own needs for the purpose of pleasing others that I struggle

Finding things out years later

It's not that I like to be alone, but the more involved I am with someone (family, friends, partners, even acquaintances) the more I need to feel emotionally safe if I'm going to spend significant time. Jamie was not a partner relationship. I was her caretaker.

How do you ...

How do you actually figure out what you want? I feel like every time I get to a point where I'm a bit more in touch with my feelings it opens up another layer to dig down into. It's a little bit like one of those

Just Another Frustration (JAF?)

Know what really really bothers me in almost any aspect of my life? When people don't do what is expected/their job/their responsibilities and then use up extra time in my life to finish said task. So right now I'm on a call with a

It's been a minute

First off, I'm curious on the genesis of that phrase "it's been a minute" when clearly it's been days or weeks or longer. I'm even more curious that people I know who are not even remotely sarcastic or flippant use

Anyone seen a spine around here?

I need to help mine grow a bit more. I have been trying to repeat "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm" over and over again. I've been picking out little patterns and telling myself I wasn't

Maybe

If I write it down (type it) enough, I'll start to live it. Be my authentic self.

Wake me up when Sept ... oh wait

I dreamed about you last night. I woke up with that longing feeling. A deep ache inside of knowing you can't have something that you really, really want. I am even more determined.

Grey Skies

It's been really gloomy and cloudy and rainy here the last week, supposedly a sub-tropical storm that didn't quite get there (I feel ya on that one, I often have the same problem). I've been in a pensive mood today, having some interesting tunnels

Steps forward

New house is under contract, moving forward with inspections and whatnot.

That empty feeling

Yesterday was rough, as it often is. Last week I had been asked to sit in on a 3-person panel with the audience being the entire company so I could discuss my experiences with 9/11 and answer questions after. Everyone was respectful and amazing, but one of the people

Picking up Steam

Hannah has found a house she'd like to put in offer in on, and Gino can make up most of the down payment. It looks like we're going to keep this house and rent it out, and Hannah and Gino will move into the Raleigh house.

Brain waves

So this past week at work I was asked to be on a 3 person panel in front of the entire company to discuss the upcoming anniversary of 9/11. I didn't think it was going to affect me much, but it made me realize how important the

Reinforcement

So much is making me regret my decision. It's amazing how much guilt and shame can cloud your judgement if you're used to taking the blame for other people's emotions. So I sit here in a house and I am overwhelmed by stuff ... so