Am I crazy?

So I have decided to leave a situation where I've had a long, slow uneasy feeling and trade it for one I felt the need to escape previously.

Believe me, I'm questioning it too.

The last 48 hours I've been forcing myself to do this, despite the fact that a big part of me doesn't want to. I'm leaving an apartment that I love. The layout, the location, and the fact that it's the nicest apartment I've ever lived in. I'm leaving people that I love including someone that I am still absolutely in love with.

Well, why am I doing it?

Part of me still feels guilt for the way I left. Many weeks of Hannah pleading and crying and asking me not to go. Knowing what I know now, I can only imagine that I gave her almost no indication that I so desperately had wanted to leave. I have been so good my whole life at pushing emotions down to the point where I'm not even sure what they are. I do it to put on a pretty smiling face so that everything will be ok. I've learned to give people what they want because for so long I was unwanted.

Part of me feels very unresolved and incomplete as far as a "home" goes. A tiny part of me always felt like I could move back to Danbury and stay in that little white house on 227 Stadley Rough. When mom told me she had a sale and they were getting things ready I always thought I would have time to go visit and say goodbye, and then the closing was pushed up and I never did have that chance. 840 Madison Ave feels like home now, and paying for it but not living there has been chewing at me. I also feel like there are unresolved things with the cats, and I have at least a few possessions there that are important to me; yearbooks, my dad's tools to name a few.

I also wonder if a big reason why I'm doing this is the guilt and shame I feel over how I left. A lesson that I am still struggling to learn is I am not responsible for other people's emotions. I can tell myself those exact words over and over, and when people have negative emotions around me I immediately move to fix and feel like I'm the cause.

In my mind

I see myself driving cross-country in a Uhaul, Quinn there with me. I'm happy as I know I'm going to a place where I can be myself. I'm going to a place where I can maybe stop hiding, maybe stop shoving everything down. I&

I have been

It's been an absolute struggle for me lately. I feel like most of my non-work time is me being in "distraction" mode, which I feel like I'm in flight-or-fight mode. For a long while, work was the best thing going on in my life,

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It can take a little bit for it to ramp up, but I often forget how crazy busy things can get in February/March for me. I did 51 hours last week and I feel like I had so much undone. Been talking with Hannah to get a refi on

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In my mind

I have been

Frustrations

Work sucks